Your Forehead Looks Like A Coffee Table
by KingdomOfThomond
Summary: Set after the events in TF2. RED's Sniper decides to shoot everyone who was on BLU's side during TF2, after an accident involving Sniper, Scout, and a sniper rifle. Rated T for censored bad language. UPDATE: chapters with missing/duplicated content corrected. Nothing else done.
1. RED Scout

**Chapter 1  
><strong>

He had received a letter through his letterbox that morning, and now Sniper was on a plane to one of the British bases in the Middle East. Hat lying over his eyes, he looked like he was sleeping, but, secretly, he was listening on his former co-workers talk nearby. They were talking about why they were there, which was natural.

Sniper's letter said that it was vital for him to go to the airport and from there proceed to the fourth terminal with his weapons. Otherwise, he would be shot, or sent to prison. And Sniper didn't want that. And so, he ended up listening to Soldier complaining about how un-American this entire thing was.

"Something's going on here, I tell you! That maggot who sent those letters deserves the chair, it's so un-American!" Soldier's ranting went on.

* * *

><p>The plane landed, and the group got off, before being led to an office. As Sniper got off last he saw the rest of his team trudge off. He felt sorry for Engineer, who must have been so eager to do something like this that he had nothing on apart from his white boxers. Demo was drunk, as usual, and Medic was covered in blood, but apart from this, the team was dressed properly.<p>

The office was cold and dark, and there were an awful lot of potted plants around. Blinds stopped most of the light from outside getting in, and there was a fan blowing the cold air around, making the leaves of plants move a little. The office had one picture on the wall, which was so dark that it was impossible for Sniper to make out what it was about. However, the walls were a single bland colour, and Sniper was glad that the picture was there to make the place more interesting. Scout was closest to the fan, and looked very cold. He lifted his left leg and kicked the fan discretely, but accidentally broke it in the process.

"Now, gentlemen, we need you to do something," said the officer behind the desk.

"What is it, tea-drinker?" barked Soldier.

"The President of America has disappeared. Our sources tell us that he is being held by rebels in a stronghold on the Jebel Akhdar Mountain. The last time this mountain was conquered was in 1957, and the time before that was about two thousand years ago. Our men can't do it because they're busy doing other missions."

"So what you want us to do is to go to this mountain, rescue the president, f*** the people who held him and get out?" asked Scout.

"Exactly, though less of the f***ing and more of the killing." replied the British officer.

* * *

><p>That night the team was deployed, with Sniper as the team's commander. Sniper therefore had control of UAV scans, artillery strikes and supply drops. While most of the team were establishing a base in a disused shed, which meant storing their supply of weapons and equipment and putting down bedrolls, Sniper climbed the tallest object he could, and scanned the area with his rifle and night vision. He noticed that there were regular patrols along the stronghold walls, and that there were several Jeeps speeding down the only road to the mountaintop. He also noticed a small, barely visible, notice that ordered 'Abandon all hope of leading long and prosperous lives if you've come to attack us'.<p>

The following morning, the team abandoned their red uniforms and got civilian clothes on, and tested their radios. Sniper did a scan of the mountain using the UAV, revealing a large amount of men, around twenty to forty, near the centre of a compound, which he guessed where the President would be held. However, he knew that this could be very suicidal, as the notice from the night before looked fairly new, and he and his men would be going up a force at least twice the size of their own.

* * *

><p>"Right, I think Soldier and Scout should use the grappling hooks, given to them by the British, to climb up the steepest side of the mountain. Demo, Heavy, Medic, and Pyro could follow Soldier and Scout, and would divert the rebel forces. Engineer would go up the mountain on a motorbike while pretending to be one of the rebels, and Spy would go on the back of the motorbike." proposed Sniper.<p>

"How will this help get President?" asked Heavy.

"The diversion created by Soldier and his group would draw enough of the rebels away from the President. Engineer and Spy would be able to gain entry, being that they would look like rebels and there would be a shortage of men, before making their way to the hostage." explained Sniper.

"How are we going to release him?"

"Engineer would pretend to guard the President, while Spy entered the room cloaked, take out any guards inside the room, before releasing the President. Then the three of them would leave the stronghold and get away as quickly as possible. When they are clear, the Engineer or Spy would radio Soldier the fact they had got out of the Jebel Akhdar stronghold, and that Soldier and his squad could retreat." replied Sniper.

"What are you going to be doing during all of this, may I ask?" inquired Spy.

"I'll be covering Engineer and Spy as much as I can, while giving artillery strikes and covering fire to Soldier when he needs it." answered Sniper.

* * *

><p>That afternoon, Soldier and Scout started going up the incline, and their squad ascended the mountain. Once at the compound wall, they radioed Demo and Medic to follow. Soldier then radioed Pyro to climb up one of the ropes, before radioing Heavy that he had the two ropes he could use.<p>

While this was going on, Engineer and Spy were going up the mountain. Sniper, from his vantage position, grinned. From there, he thought it was like being back at home, watching one of those World War 2 movies, not taking part in an operation worthy of the SAS.

After Engineer and Spy disappeared inside the base, Sniper turned his rifle in Soldier's general direction.

* * *

><p>Most of Soldier's squad were pinned in a small, decorative pond in Jebel Akhdar. Demo was out of pre-made explosives, and Pyro had no gas left for his flame-thrower. Sasha was busy churning through what little ammo Heavy had available. Soldier had three rockets for his rocket launcher remaining before he had to resort to his shovel, while Medic was pinned down near the stairwell to the battlements. In fact, only Scout was doing well, stunning any rebels he could, but mainly the ones that were a threat to the rest of his squad.<p>

* * *

><p>From his position, Sniper saw a head above the battlements. He fired instinctively.<p>

* * *

><p>Soldier cringed as he saw Scout propelled sideways across the courtyard while doing a double jump. He jumped to the conclusion that Scout was on the receiving end of some not-so-friendly fire from Sniper, who must have mistaken Scout for a rebel. Soldier reckoned that the shot might not have been able to kill Scout, but, as long as Medic remained pinned near the battlements stairwell and the rest of them pinned in the pond, Scout's chances of living were very slim.<p>

"This is Patriot to Pink Mist, this is Patriot to Pink Mist. Did you just shoot someone?" Soldier barked, in an angry sort of way, to Sniper on the radio.

"This is Pink Mist to Patriot. I did. Why?"

"That was Scout."

"Ah piss. I thought he was one of them. Is he alright?"

"He'll be dead if the Doc can't get to him, who happens to be pinned right at this very moment! And while I'm at it, we need supplies here!" screamed Soldier, gaining several nasty glares from the rest of his squad.

"Right then."

The supplies were dropped as near to the pond as Sniper could get them. As the rebels mistook the supply drop to be a paratrooper, went to defend the American President.

* * *

><p>Engineer was waiting outside the President's holding cell, nervously fingering his shotgun. Two dead guards on the floor would get Engineer dead as soon as a rebel came round the corner. Engineer had been waiting there for about ten minutes, and decided to radio Spy.<p>

"Tex to Spook, this is Tex to Spook, what's happening in there?"

Silence. Then Engineer's radio came to life.

"Spook to Tex, I've just murdered the last guard in here."

"How many were there?"

"Eight."

"Good, now get the President, and let's get out of here."

The door opened, and Spy came out, with an unconscious President over his left shoulder and his pistol in his right hand. The two went down the corridor, before bumping into about ten startled rebels. The two groups did nothing. Engineer looked at Spy. His eyes had a sort of 'It's going to be one of those days, isn't it?' look in them. Engineer sighed, aimed his shotgun, and fired.

* * *

><p>Soldier heard screams coming from inside the base. At least, he thought he heard them. Heavy looked like he had as well. Soldier jumped when he heard his radio crackle.<p>

"Tex to Patriot, Tex to Patriot. We have the President, and are clear, I repeat, we have the President and are clear."

"Patriot to Tex, I read you." replied Soldier.

Sniper saw three things. One was Engineer, Spy and a man coming down the road to the stronghold. Another was Soldier's squad, save Scout, descending the grapples. And the third was several Jeeps following Engineer. Sniper was horrified when he saw Engineer stop the motor bike, get off, and started to lay some mines.

"Oh s***, what are you doing? There isn't time for you to be laying mines, you fruit-shop owner. You've got three big bad Jeeps following you, full of motherf***ing rebels, so get your ass out of there!"

* * *

><p>When the team regrouped, Scout wasn't there.<p>

"What happened to Scout?" inquired Engineer.

"I got an accidental headshot on him, and, despite the distance, is probably dead by now. How am I going to explain this to his mother?" asked Sniper.

**A/N**

I know, this isn't great, but I wanted to do a fanfic that was mostly about the RED Sniper. Please review, as I want to write a chapter of the BLU classes getting killed by Sniper, but I need ideas about where to go or if I should stop here.


	2. BLU Heavy and Engineer

**Chapter 2  
><strong>

The BLU Heavy had joined the American Army after leaving Team Fortress. He knew that Engineer and Soldier had enrolled alongside him, but he wasn't sure about anyone else on his team. He was standing on an overpass on the Eastern Seaboard after helping to take it by force from some Arabs and put it under American control. He checked his ammo status – 75 rounds and four more clips left. 200 metres away, the BLU Engineer was waiting for Heavy in a DPV, and the team's soldier had commandeered a truck slightly further away.

Heavy lumbered towards Engineer. Looking over his shoulder at Heavy, Engineer didn't need to try hard to remember that this was the man who would barge through fifty-three doors and the entire RED base to get to his Sandvich.

When Heavy reached the DPV, he hopped in, panting. The Engineer then raced off the overpass, and went onto the highway below. However, Engineer turned back towards their main base of operations instead of going towards their enemy's main base. The Engineer looked at Heavy.

"I'm sorry son, but I've got to pick up some more fuel for this little beauty."

Heavy nodded, as talking made his throat hurt.

* * *

><p>What neither of the two former BLU mercenaries realised was that the RED team's Sniper was fighting his own war against BLU, and was therefore tracking down and killing any of his foes. For him, this little invasion from the Arab states was good, as he could assassinate Heavy and Engineer with little chance of being arrested, court-martialled or killed for it.<p>

Sniper saw the DPV from his tower, aimed, and pulled the trigger.

When Engineer suddenly fell on the steering wheel for no reason at all, Heavy was concerned.

"Engineer..."

The Russian turned Engineer over to reveal a bleeding hole in Engineer's head, right above his left eye. There was only one person that Heavy knew who could do that. As a result of the fear this knowledge brought to him, Heavy, who also scared about crashing into something, jumped out of the DPV. The vehicle continued moving, causing it to crash into the RED Sniper's tower, making it sway slightly.

"That c***, he's got no balls," muttered the Sniper, annoyed. The Australian scoped, and got Heavy's forehead in his cross-hairs. "You've got a forehead on you like a coffee table, fatty."

Sniper fired.

Heavy started moving, and, as he did so, felt something painful graze his left ear. This made him move even faster.

Sniper tried again.

Heavy stopped moving, because a new hole had formed in his skull, making him cry in pain and die on the spot.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**

Thanks to StephREDSniper, who helped with some errors in chapter one, gave advice, and was all-round helpful.


	3. BLU Soldier and Medic

**Chapter 3**

The BLU Soldier was driving back up onto the overpass, as the Arabs had over-run the Americans there. After gibbing each and every one of the rebels, Soldier radioed the American commander and suggested that he sent a squad to hold the overpass. Soldier hopped into his truck, and went for a drive to take over any other Arab bases. Unbeknownst to Soldier, the RED Sniper had lined up his rifle to the truck's fuel tank.

Soldier felt the rear end of his truck lift off the ground, and was startled to find that both he and the truck were on fire.

The truck crashed into the highway in a fierce ball of fire, which then flattened itself on the tarmac, but continued burning. Soldier crawled out of the crushed truck through the place where the windscreen used to be, and collapsed onto the highway, blazing merrily. He muttered two last works.

"Dammit boys!"

Overcome by the flames, Soldier died. This made the RED Sniper much happier.

* * *

><p>On his way to the Mental Asylum that he had heard that the BLU team's Medic was being 'cared' for, Sniper remembered his conversation with Scout's mum. She hadn't been impressed to say the least, and called him a variety of names, notwithstanding "idiot", "freak" and a "blind fool who couldn't tell his own team from his enemies". And so, to prove to Scout's mum that he could tell friend from foe, Sniper had gone on his mission to eradicate the former BLU team.<p>

Sniper put away his sniper rifle and took off his hat as he entered the church. It wasn't because he was religious, but because of respect for other people and his 'standards'. After moving across the empty church hall and going up the tall ladder, which Sniper thought was the tallest he'd climbed, Sniper reached a platform with a window that would be ideal for sniping Medic from.

Sniper moved a crate, which was the only thing there, from one side of the platform to the window and sat on it. The Australian took out his sniper rifle and scoped.

Medic was in a very good position for Sniper, as the German was lurking behind some sheds. Hopefully, Medic's body wouldn't be discovered for a few minutes, giving Sniper ample time to escape.

The Sniper pulled the trigger, and, Medic collapsed to the ground, crying with the pain of being sniped. Sniper then coolly put away his rifle, and began climbing down the ladder. Crossing the church floor, Sniper said "G'day mate." to StephREDSniper, who had recently arrived so he could work on one of his fanfictions in quiet

Sniper left the church, and drove away on his quad bike.


	4. BLU Demo and Spy

**Chapter 4**

The BLU team's Demoman had got a job working in a chemical research plant in Russia for some rebels. The Scot was getting well paid for it, due to his expertise with explosives and chemical things. However, the Russian government was becoming increasingly aware of the rebellion's work, and it wouldn't be long before the Russian military intervened, and took any substances found back to the Russian government.

Strange, thought Demo as he stopped working to look around, I haven't seen anyone else around here for a while.

Little did Demo know that the RED Sniper had been hired by the Russians, and was therefore watching and waiting for a clean shot through the black cyclop's head. Sniper had killed all of Demo's rebel friends, which was quite easy for someone like Sniper to do, considering that Demo's friends had been begging to be taken out by the Australian crack-shot. So when Demo had put his head back down to work, Sniper went to business.

After Demo's dying cry had faded, Sniper contacted the Russians that the all of rebels had been taken out and the factory was clear for them to do anything they wanted to.

* * *

><p>The BLU Spy had also joined the Russian rebels. However, Spy had been given command of a missile launch pad that would help the rebel's war against the government. Meanwhile, Sniper was told by the Russian government that a Frenchman was involved in the rebellion, and was therefore keen to see if it was Spy, which it was. Sniper pulled out his newly bought Machina, which had replaced the one he'd lost in Coldfront, and aimed. However, Sniper forgot that the rounds could penetrate one enemy and kill another one behind them, so he was a little disheartened when someone, who happened to be Reuben Higgens, stepped in front of Spy. Taking the risk of being discovered, Sniper fired a round at Reuben's head.<p>

* * *

><p>Both Reuben and Spy collapsed from a headshot, meaning that Sniper could progress with his war against BLU and get paid for it.<p>

Sniper checked his list of the BLU team. He only had the BLU Sniper, Pyro, and Scout to deal with, and let out a hearty chuckle. Sniper had got leads on them, and he would earn his redemption from Scout's mother soon.


	5. BLU Pyro

**Chapter 5**

The BLU team's Pyro was a tyrant, with a palace with defences comprising of two dozen private security guards, an entire palace guard, up-to-date weaponry, and lots of civilians living around his palace.

The Pyro was a tyrant because he had made his army attack civilian targets. This meant that the UN got involved, and the English SAS got involved to lead an attack on Pyro's palace. However, the RED Sniper was recruited by the SAS to assassinate Pyro and leave his guards to them.

The method that Sniper chose was to disguise himself as one of his guards and 'accidentally' kill Pyro during an SAS assault on the place and get out of there alive.

One day, Pyro was walking around two of his palace guards next to him and the rest around the gardens, save Sniper, who was on the roof of the Pyro's palace.

Sniper turned on his radio, and muttered to the SAS who were listening in "Now would be a really good time to attack. I'm the sniper on the roof, so watch out."

The SAS team leapt over the wall, and shot several guards before they could react, including the ones next to Pyro. Sniper saw Pyro turn his head towards the SAS, gave them a look, and fled in the direction of his palace. Sniper lined up his shot, and fired when he saw the mental deficient's head in the middle of his cross-hairs. Sniper then took the opportunity to escape while he could, and did so.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**

Sorry about this not being posted for this long (about 2 weeks, isn't it?), as I've done another FanFic (Valentine Meets Demoman) and I've had quite a bit of schoolwork to do as well. Next part shouldn't take so long to do and add. Hope you enjoyed, and reviews welcome, as always.


	6. BLU and RED Scouts

**Chapter 6**

Sniper had tracked the BLU team's Scout to the Middle Eastern city of Karkland. When he arrived, there were more crashed, mangled and burning cars everywhere, not to mention more bullet holes in the buildings and dried pools of blood on the streets than the last time he had visited the place, when he collected ammunition and his Machina after assassinating BLU's Medic.

"It looks like there's been a war here." said Sniper, quoting the obvious. He then continued.

"More reason to hire someone fast and less likely to get shot, like Scout."

He went into the hotel, which had a couple of US rifles dropped carelessly on the foyer floor, and looked for the stairs. After locating them, Sniper went up them onto the roof, making his way around all of the debris. Sniper scoped his Machina. No one around. Then he saw the BLU Scout, wearing a blue shirt dart across a street and behind the cover of a convenient building. When Scout reappeared, Sniper was ready for him, and fired a killing shot at the Scout. However, this time, the Scout was wearing a red shirt. Sniper then saw the Scout in the blue shirt come out of the same place that the other Scout had. Sniper was confused about the two Scouts, but fired anyway, killing the blue-shirted Scout.

Sniper thought that the RED Spy might be involved, disguised as the RED Scout, but Sniper dismissed this thought as Spy didn't know about Sniper's assassinations, so Spy wouldn't be able to save the BLU Scout and was in the wrong coloured shirt to do that, and was too slow to be recruited as a runner, unless he had trained. Anyway, running messages and other things around cities that had recently been in a war wasn't Spy's thing – the Frenchman would just move around cloaked. Therefore, the red-shirted Scout must have been the RED Scout; the one Sniper had seriously injured and was left for dead by the rest of the RED team. Then how must he have survived? Surely, the rebels at Jebel Akhdar didn't, and wouldn't, heal one of their opponents? However, if the RED Scout had survived, it must have been because the rebels intervened. Thus, it would be safe to assumed that he was now working for the rebels that had kidnapped his president, and it wouldn't be safe for Sniper to stay in Karkland for much longer, being that the rebels who wouldn't receive whatever Scout was taking to them would go looking for Scout, and then, in turn, Sniper. Hit by this thought, Sniper made his way out of Karkland quickly and quietly.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**

Hope you enjoyed. Next chapter: Sniper Wars!


	7. BLU Sniper

Sniper woke up at four in the morning. He looked around at his surroundings and remembered that he had slept the night in a cardboard box under a bridge near the Caspian Sea. His Machina was resting against the underside of the bridge, and the bagpipes the Australian had learnt to play were on the ground; Sniper had only learnt them a couple of years ago so that, when he was unable to kill someone, he could assault their ears and make them want to die.

Today, Sniper had to kill the last target on his list – his BLU counterpart. This was going to be hard, as both Snipers were brilliant shots. Still, it was good for the RED Sniper that he had learnt the bagpipes.

Still, it was a nice day to kill someone – the sky was clear, the wind was non-existent, and the day looked promising. Sniper had tracked the other Sniper to a little town near the Caspian. The town made Sniper very happy, and it was one of the few places on Earth that the Australian wanted to settle down in. In that sense, Sniper's war against BLU was good, as it meant that he could see the world, or at least, parts of it.

In what the RED Sniper thought was the town centre, there was a tall tower. This was convenient for Sniper, as it overlooked the apartments that the BLU Sniper lived in. The RED Sniper began to climb the tower.

At around eight in the morning, after filling up several jars of Jarate and dropping them onto unsuspecting people's heads, the RED Sniper saw the BLU Sniper go onto his balcony. The RED Sniper scoped, and aimed.

The BLU Sniper saw a red line in the early morning, going from the tower in the town centre to his forehead. Quickly, the BLU Sniper ducked, and was rewarded when he heard the whistle of a bullet go straight over his head a split second later. He ran back into his apartment and grabbed his sniper rifle, before going onto the roof of the building his apartment was in.

At midday, the sniping had stopped, as both Snipers had churned through most of their ammo in the first fifteen minutes. Now, they were both taking pot shots at each other. The RED Sniper moved away from the window he was sniping from. This is the time, he thought, to test those bagpipes.

The BLU Sniper heard the horrible noise coming from his counterpart's bagpipes, and covered his ears with his hands, dropping his sniper rifle in the process. However, blocking his ears was futile, and the noise was as terrible as it was before. Sniper got up, went to the edge of the building's roof, did a funny little Scottish dance, and jumped.

The RED Sniper saw this, and was impressed. If only he had played the bagpipes at everyone else, he would only have had to kill the BLU Demoman.

Sniper went to the nearest airport, and booked himself on the first plane to America. His redemption from Scout's mother was at hand.


	8. RED Sniper's Return

Sniper hadn't realised how close it was to Christmas, probably because he'd been travelling all around the world for twenty-seven weeks, ignoring whatever society had to say about anything apart from BLU. However, Sniper knew where the rest of his team was, as they usually met up at Christmas at Heavy's house. He heard the music coming from Heavy's house at the end of the street and immediately identified it as the Communist Christmas Carol.

Sniper went up the steps and knocked on the door. The door opened on the words "Good will to all men let's celebrate, by purging the enemies of the state" with Demoman holding the door in position, swaying dangerously while holding a bottle of scrumpy in his free hand.

"Come on in, lad." Demo said, slurring the words together.

Sniper did so, and found most of the team there. It was later revealed that Spy had other appointments with the government, and Medic had been arrested for illegal surgery. Sniper sat down next to Engineer.

"Where've you been, Sniper?"

"Killing BLU, mate. Ya see, Scout's mother was pretty annoyed that I'd accidentally killed Scout, and that's what she wanted me to do. By the way, talking of Scout's mother, where is she?"

"Ain't you heard, boy? She died a few weeks back. Took her own life, apparently. She was acting strange and depressed after you killed Scout, but she got even worse when she read some of LilyRosetheDreamer's fanfics. I've read those fanfics myself, and I saw nothing wrong with them."

"So you're saying that I've spent the last twenty-seven weeks doing something that I needn't?"

"Got it in one, partner."

"P***."

"Still, you're murdering spree won't leave these walls, or at the very least, through me."

"I've got friends out there that I was doing a service to by killing BLU – the Arabs through Soldier, Engineer and Heavy, some tax-payers in Europe by Medic's death, the Russian government by killing Demo and Spy, the English SAS by assassinating Pyro, the Karkland city council by sniping Scout, and rid a nice little town of a nuisance."

"Well Sniper, if the authorities come for you, we'll be there, fighting for you. And, if you remember what Teufort was like, we'll never give up until we're all dead."

"Thanks mate!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN**

Many thanks to LilyRosetheDreamer for all the help she's been. Also, thanks to StephREDSniper for Beta Reading this. Hope you've enjoyed.

If you noticed, the places in this fanfic are largely based on some BF2 maps. These are as follows (in order of appearance, and which classes are killed):

Chapter One – part of Gulf of Oman

BLU Engineer, Heavy, Soldier – Operation Road Rage

BLU Medic – Devil's Perch

BLU Demo – Mass Destruction

BLU Spy – Surge

BLU Pyro – Warlord

RED & BLU Scouts – Strike at Karkand

BLU Sniper – Ghost Town

RED Sniper's Return – Midnight Sun


End file.
